Summer 2009

Mark summer 2009 as the point at which I accepted the pain wasn't going to go away. We replaced our manual car with an automatic, I began physical therapy, our dream house morphed to a single level, and I spent three days in a row (and counting, to be perfectly honest) crying and feeling sorry for myself. And angry. Big, giant angry.

Mark summer 2009 as the point at which I discontinued the postpartum anti-depressants that had initially kept me alive, but which sucked me dry of emotion and wanting and energy. Mark it as the season I surfaced, all raw and atrophied, and did what was needed.


Sacroiliac Joint Dysfunction, Osteitis Pubis (both due to hypermobility).

Words (Excerpt From a Letter)

[Zhoen],

The cats are very subtly hinting at me that I ought to pet them. [Mau] is putting his whiskers in my nose, and [Bear] is beating up on the couch (okay, kneading it, but it all comes to the same thing).

[Plum], oblivious to them, unexpectedly burst into "GAT! GAT! GAT!" today, tapping her cheek with her fist in an approximation of the proper sign. This lasted for a couple of minutes, then disappeared. We may not get another "GAT!" in several months.

There was an earlier outburst of color, even more enthusiastic: full-on yells and squeals of "GWEEN! GWEEEEN! GWEEEN!! GWEEN!" This went on for much of the day, has been building up for three or four days.

She's been tapping her fist on her head and saying "DIE! DIE!" the last couple of days, but I haven't figured that one out, yet. "Boy," maybe? "Happy" has made a comeback, along with "sad".

Suspecting a dirty diaper last night when she didn't fall asleep, I went into the bedroom to change her. I tried to keep it quiet, dark, but she wasn't having any of that. As I finished sealing her up, she was giggling and tickling her own neck. Well, hell, what's a mom to do? I took over for her; laughter ensued.

[Moira]

cat braaaaains

10/10/07

[Zhoen],

Glad you had a good day at work. I have also had a good day. Very much enjoyed my time with [Plum] today, tonight especially. Earlier, when I put her down for her first nap, she managed to get her arm tangled and stuck in her crib. She was so frightened that she didn't stop crying, regardless of what I did, until I stopped by her wall quilt. Immediately, the crying stopped, and she started pointing objects out for me to name. When I went to put her back down, she kissed me all over my face. That's happened once before. I hadn't even known she could kiss. She doesn't to the messy, slobbery, open-mouthed version typical of babies, either. Lips together, press against my mouth, and make a little smacking noise. I don't kiss her on the mouth; she must be watching me and [C].

An image for you: A little human walking drunkenly, arms reaching out, tongue making clicking noises just like mama; a cat getting up, trotting to another spot, and lying back down only to get back up when the babe finally arrives again. Repeat, repeat, repeat. I may dress her up as a little zombie for Halloween. (The cats do have nice, secure spots when they wish to be left alone, and [Mau] did eventually jump up to the back of the couch, out of her reach.)

Finally got rid of that big, black chair, and put a light up in her room.

Had a dream last night. It felt neutral at the time, but when I woke and reviewed, I found it was deeply positive. Am feeling so much better the last few days.

Very, very soon.

[Moira]



10/11/07

[Moira],

If you don't just go ahead and post that, I shall shake my finger at you.

[Zhoen]

Neener.

Duckling

Trinity

[Zhoen],

Woke up screaming "TELL ME!" at 4a. [C] a little disturbed and worried, but the frustration and fear in the dream didn't survive consciousness. Couldn't sleep well for a while afterwards for the pain in my neck and shoulders, until painkillers and heat eventually kicked in. Then there were the party goers at all hours, including after my dramatic awakening, right outside the window. I was tempted to join the conversation from the bed. Neither of us slept well, understandably.

Completely different dream: I never thought of "God" as a female, but apparently she is. Red-haired, matronly. She has a daughter, frail in appearance but sharp and strong beneath. Jesus is a golden labrador retriever, body-wigglingly happy to greet you.

[Moira]

Blossoms, No Fruit

Post #4 withered and died on the vine. Instead, another's words:

"The basic condition for being happy is our consciousness of being happy. If we are not aware that we are happy, then we are not really happy. When we have a toothache, we know that not having a toothache is a wonderful thing. But when we do not have a toothache, we are still not happy. A non-toothache is very pleasant. There are so many things that are enjoyable, but when we don't practice mindfulness, we don't appreciate them."

-Thich Nhat Hanh, Peace is Every Step

Waking Up

• C opens the bedroom door. Mau comes running in, leaping onto the bed to lick my face and bite my chin in fierce affection.


• Coco is eager to ride today, waiting with some impatience as I fumble with the halter. Grooming her is a treat. I can't help but run my hands along her warm, strong body.


• The bell chimes. I surface from my project, taking a deep breath. My gaze travels to purple satin curtains alternately billowing and flattening against the window. A mourning dove takes flight, wings whistling prettily.

Bear

The last three posts attempted didn't make it. In their stead, I offer this as a character sketch of sorts (perhaps even an anti-meme?):

Words

Words spoken, in approximate chronological sequence:

• Cracker (caw-caw! in a tone that conveys the absolute thrill and happiness associated with dry, tasteless bread),
• Papa (pa-pa! in a tone that conveys one part awe, three parts excitement, and six parts pure adoration),
• Blue (bvvoovv),
• Cheeze (jshzh),
• Hi (a lilting haa-ai!).

Word perfectly conversant with, but not attempted:

• Mama

My amusement grows along with the first list, but I do admit to being a teensy bit impatient.

Well, Yes

Mau's tongue hangs out blissfully as I scratch behind his ears. I am adding years in my head.

I consider the state of things.

"We're going to grow old together, aren't we?" I ask C, a little bit in awe.

He answers matter-of-factly: "Mm-hmm." I receive a matter-of-fact kiss as punctuation.